We were chasing the sun light.
Things have not gone according to plan and I knew that we wouldn’t make to the beach to tell the sun good night. It wouldn’t have bothered me but I knew what we set out to do and that my boyfriend would have loved to see the sunset. My heart felt tense - because here we are on this beautiful trip through the countryside at dusk with some of my favourite people, yet I had this anxious sense gripping my heart feeling like I let someone down I really cared about - we were late. And I knew that one of his love languages is being on time. Ever been in this strange place where there is beauty around you, yet a looming disappointment and a sense of failure at the same time… disconnecting your heart from the moment? Any sensitive soul will know that feeling. Things seem great but you find a reason to feel unworthy of it, overwhelmed, maybe emptied and worn from the days before or just tense because life is layered and rarely in sync. And often because I want to get things right and sometimes it doesn’t pan out that way. I have always been a sensitive soul that feels deeply but have learned over the years how to look after it a little better.
I have missed many beautiful moments in the past because I couldn’t snap out of the tension. But in this instance I recognised what was going on and how I wasn’t as present as I was meant to be. Oxygen can’t fill your lungs if you are holding your breath. I felt invited to rewrite the narrative that was unravelling in my head. To tell my heart a different story than the one it started to type out by default. Our original plan didn’t work out but I am loved by people who are flexible adventurers and a boyfriend who values me more than perfect plans. We have coasts in driving distance… And a clear sky (if you live in England, you’ll know what I am talking about!). Fields that are slumbering peacefully. And one funny Frenchie in the backseat keeping us entertained. I was allowed to laugh. I was allowed to breathe. I wasn’t failing at life. And in the end we just caught the last minutes of the sunset and they felt all the more like a gift to me. We sat under stars, had random conversations, huddled up in the cold and had the best chats on the way home. It was a great adventure after all.
"Oxygen can’t fill your lungs if you are holding your breath."
Has your own version of perfectionism ever ruined good things? Why not take a moment to breathe and rewrite the narrative? Even if it’s a past moment, you can still rewrite your memory of it. Recognise the beauty that was there, the one you didn’t see in the moment because you were too caught up in your own head. Close your eyes, relive it and kindly draw out the gold that was there all along. Don’t work yourself up about things you can’t change but train yourself to become an intentional story teller for your own soul - for future reference. Learn to celebrate your humanity and the process of becoming… When we think beautiful, we tend to think of things that worked out well. But sometimes the gold is found in the cracks. Learn to look for it. Don’t miss it.
Photos taken May 2018